I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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