My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
