I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
