So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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