He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
