He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize