so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
