I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
