All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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