I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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