I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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