Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
