Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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