Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
