btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
