she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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