you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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