no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just high enough for therapy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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