Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
