I could make wine with my vomit
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize