my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i think i just lost a toe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
