we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
