Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
