had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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