I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
