Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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