You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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