just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
