Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
