Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
