so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize