That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
