Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
