i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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