I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
