dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
