there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
