she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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