New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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