I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
