Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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