saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
