he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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