I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
