i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
