that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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