I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
