why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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