i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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