singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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