she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
