well I can't set my house on fire every night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
