there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
