I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize