After last night, I could never be a politician.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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