...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
