Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
