the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize