He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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