I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
