Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
