Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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