i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
