i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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