You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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