Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
